I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
