You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
sick fucks of a feather flock together
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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