i already hear my dad disowning me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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