This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The beer is more important than you right now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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