you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
