he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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