wanna go halves on a baby?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
