Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
