Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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