i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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