Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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