just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
