So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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