I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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