That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
