I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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