I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
