best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
