Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
