his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
