They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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