If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
