Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
