I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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