You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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