I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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