Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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