Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
