You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
