He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
