Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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