Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
