It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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