Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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