I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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