i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
