I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
