I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
