My friends, they love my intelligence
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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