chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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