I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
