i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
