He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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