I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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