I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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