I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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