His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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