I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize
