I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
