i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
